Do you ever lie awake at night and look at the things you wish you would’ve done or could’ve taken back? I’m talking about all those cringey moments you wish you could change. Been there, done that. This is just one small part of how my past haunts me. Let’s dive into the bigger picture.
I recently did an online psych assessment with a therapist through one of Ontario’s mental health services in my community. It was an hour long assessment – very casual, informative and comforting. My doctor was empathetic and truly listened to what I had to say. It wasn’t your typical assessment where the doctor asks you a series of questions to figure out what’s wrong with you. It was more open; I shared what I hoped to get out of the session. Based on what I told him (regarding my current situation and my overall mental state), he said that I shouldn’t dwell on my past, or as he coined it, the “what was.” This is the human side of us. We go through a traumatic experience, let it be a family or social conflict, and we obsess over what “should’ve happened” or what “could’ve been.” The past five years for me were tough in terms of my family situation. I moved out of my family home and not for the healthy reason that I wanted it to be. It was a reactive move, a necessary one at that; it was for my mental health and sanity. I couldn’t stand being in that house. I won’t bore you with the details but I was living in a passive, unhealthy and negative family dynamic. I had to do what I had to do. Thank goodness I even had this option to move out whereas some people don’t. Moving out this way definitely took a toll on me; it was a questionable and disturbing time. I carried a lot of emotional burden while also dealing with stress in university. Frankly I knew there was really nothing I could do to change my family situation. I had a blended family that formed so quickly and left my siblings and I in a trance. It felt like everything was changing and we couldn’t do anything about it. It was difficult to adjust. I felt irritated, angry and displaced for the longest time because I kept obsessing over what “should’ve been,” or what I would’ve wanted to happen. So unhealthy, I know. After sharing this, my doctor reassured me that it is more common than I think to dwell on the past. Instead, I should focus on my attention to accept. I don’t have to be necessarily happy about accepting my situation, but I also don’t need to be angry about it either. As long as I prioritize myself, and accept what is for what it is then I’ll be a whole lot happier in my life. I’ve been doing very well since Christmas time if I must say. I’ve incorporated a healthy routine in the New Year that I’m surprisingly still sticking with to this day (yay, go me). I meditate, do yoga, workout 3-4x/week and eat much healthier foods on the daily. I’m not perfect, sometimes I do have an off-week but the point is to keep pushing through. Take a break when you need to. Overall my mood and mental health has improved drastically. My doctor also emphasized practicing mindfulness during our session. Complete mindfulness takes practice to master; it won’t happen overnight but consistency will get me there. Essentially I have to condition myself to mindful practices and observe my feelings as it is when met with triggers. I need to learn how to detach from my feelings and all these terrible memories. With meditation, you are aware of what’s happening around you. When you’re being mindful, the key is not to label or judge what’s happening. They just are. It’s noticing your life with a little distance instead of reacting emotionally. There are so many tools and resources on the internet and in your community to help you cope. The Calm app is there for you if you’re comfortable with online-based therapy, or you can even try a similar app, Headspace. See what works best for you, and do your research. It’s also important to set boundaries for yourself and learn to completely let go of situations that you have no control over. Avoid obsessing over what was and what could be, instead start focusing on your actual reality, what is now. Prioritize yourself, always. Isolate if you need to. Personally I don’t initiate negative reactions with my family anymore nor do I engage in such conflicts. I’d say my relationship with them now is the best that it can be. I’ve changed my perspective. I’ve allowed myself to do just that — understand that not all situations are inherently negative. Sometimes it is our view of them that is negative (or positive.) If we don’t realize this, then trying to maintain a positive attitude in a negative situation is really a form of inner conflict, which will take effort to overcome and ultimately be super exhausting. That’s all from me today. As always, I wish you the best on your healing journey. Yours truly, Ann -- Illustration by @knstartstudio. Sources: Quora, “Is it possible to stay postitive in negative situations?”, WebMD, “What Mindfulness Can Do for You.”
0 Comments
|
AuthorAnn Villegas (she/her) is a writer and media undergraduate based in Brampton, Ontario. In her work, Ann explores mental health, wellness, self-love and hopes to give a voice to all Asian women. Archives
July 2020
Categories |